The Writer Writes Down His Biography for the Sake of Posterity.

Danny Rivera lives in the Elmhurst neighborhood of Queens County, New York, where he has his choice of three separate, distinct Chinese restaurants, all of which serve such authentic Oriental cuisine as “fried chicken wings and French fries,” “fried plantains,” and his personal favorite, “hot language on a platter.”

Danny Rivera, who appears courtesy of his (illegal) immigrant parents, is a “writer” and part-time shoeshine boy. He is not working on a novel.

The following is a list of universities whose graduate creative writing programs have rejected Danny Rivera, an aspiring actor and doorbell repairman from New York City: New School University, Columbia University, Brooklyn College, New York University, Hunter College and, shockingly, City College of New York. That story I tell? It is a lie.

For his fifth grade class' production of the Broadway musical Oklahoma!, Danny Rivera was made to wear white tights. These tights most recently made an appearance during an impromptu performance of Big Black--Live!, held at the Chelsea Arms Motel (located on 33rd Street and 12th Avenue).

Danny Rivera was born, lives, and writes in New York City. His greatest achievement (and proudest moment) remains the at-bat in which he hit a searing inside-the-park home run in the first preseason game of 1994. Unfortunately, he has been hitless ever since.

Danny Rivera is from New York City, where the phrase “bitch better have my money” has a particular resonance, not unlike that of “I love you, but, really, what the hell is that stain?”